My Inner Journey Took 50 Years

My inner journey took 50 years!

It all began in the mid 70’s escaping with five small children, three suitcases and a few hundred dollars in my pocket from a marriage that had gone wrong from the get-go.

I don’t know if I can weather this storm, Lord?

There were so many things that trigger self-doubt and left me blindsided with a heavy heart and outside forces knocked me off my feet and left me stunned and bewildered.

They weighed me down and crushed my heart, dampen my joy. They were heavy —  way too heavy to carry alone.

I didn’t have a solid foundation to draw from and felt like I was standing in quicksand.

My journey started with an escape from hell turned into my life’s saving grace with life-changing possibility.

As a mother with little skill or ability, I worried about everything: my future, my ability to provide for my children and their future. I felt I hadn’t a sense self, and no voice, nor did I feel authentic.

And accessing my soul or take the inner journey was not one of them.

How does one cultivate a relationship with self while also nurturing your children? 

Oh, Lord, I feel helpless and empty inside!

These questions began the foundation of my inner journey work. I had way too many issues with no answers. And WOW, did I need answers!

I had been a slow walker most of my life. I trusted no one with brief moments of trust in clarity and intuition.

On this, 2300-mile trip I had a ‘knowing’ that it was life-changing and I couldn’t shake it. Something deep inside that had been with me all my life, but I couldn’t access it.

This journey began as the escape for my physical safety surprised me with life-changing events with so many possibilities for the next fifty years.

What emerged was a genuine sense vulnerability to accept truths about myself. 

I felt real change required a look inside to face what was going on. I could no longer ignore this reality. I was tired of rearranging my life so that all was okay but nothing ever changed I still felt so empty inside.

I was tired, hungry, thirsty, and spent — I felt like I have just had enough. And, in this vulnerable state, I could become my greatest enemy. I could pelt myself with lies and react with emotion instead of acting upon truth.

If you’ve felt that kind of vulnerability that makes you question everything and want to quit, you’re not alone.

We all have moments when you feel you have just had enough because maybe just maybe you have. 

We can’t always avoid the heavy things: heartache, sorrow, stress, rejection, illness, loneliness, and loss. These heavy things attach themselves to our lives, and often, we are stuck with them. But, that doesn’t mean heartache has to become a stone in our souls, weighing us down and wearing us out.

Those heavy things are like stone. And stone can become a burden or a bridge. We can build our lives with strength or weakness. It’s our choice.

When it comes to the stuff we carry in life, what if you use for strength to build? What if you transfer the weight to strengthening our lives?

The best way to get to the truth is not to armor up but to curl up in faith and get honest with ourselves. I had many quiet moments of reflection while living in my car for the next year staring up at the blue sky and just letting my mind go where it needed to go…to the landscape of my heart.

Oh, yes, my inner journey took 50 years for the inward and outward coming forth to manifest in stages and continues today 2017 …of forever upward and forward.

I have learned a valuable lesson about life; our pain separates us, or it will connect us.

What you do with it imprisons or set you free. If you hold onto to the pain, keep it as injustice, you use it as a brick to build walls of bitterness.

Every time you deal with the heavy burden of pain, every time you feel its weight, you stack another brick, compounding the misery, elevating the injury. And before you know it, you’ve built a big wall of bitterness, resentment or anger that separates you from the God you need the most.

When you lay down your pain, it can become a path that connects you to God. When you lay down the bricks, that brick begins to form a path that leads you straight to God. Sometimes we need to lay down our pain again and again.

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Be sure to check out my eBook. You may download some free chapters to explore that may help you find some insightful answers A Journey of Faith

Oh, my friend, I wish I could give you a natural, step-by-step process. There isn’t a step-by-step process; there is only faith. Faith to let go of what hurts you — faith to believe that God has a purpose. Faith to be honest with God.

Faith is enough to lay it down and leave it there — under God’s care.


Instead of holding tight to the pain, open your hands before Him and share your heart with Him. The beautiful thing is when you open your hands, and when you lay down your pain, you pick up grace.

 How do you lay it down, so it becomes a bridge rather than a wall? What do you need to lay down today?

Feel free to comment below. Have questions? I’ll help you find the answers at admin@insideoutmagazine.org or via Twitter at @jamh123.

I gladly welcome your feedback as well!

May you always find peace.

Bertie

 

 

 

 

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